To Surrender Happily
by hardly loquacious
Summary: Lisbon is acting strangely. Jane is determined to figure out what's bothering her. Post 7.05.


A/N: Welcome to the latest installment in my fluffy post-eps. I adapted my idea for a 7.04 post-ep into a 7.05 post-ep. It worked fairly well, because this show is actually bringing things up from previous episodes in subsequent ones. I like it. So I decided to actually write the fic, because there's a detail in it that I like.

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To Surrender Happily

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Lisbon was acting strangely.

Not _very_ strangely, mind you. Just a little.

So little that if Jane hadn't been paying close attention, he might not have noticed.

But he had noticed, because he was paying attention (she was his favourite thing to pay attention to, after all).

She was... not worried, but uncertain. He'd caught her watching him multiple times over the last couple of days, when she thought he wasn't paying attention multiple times over the past couple days. And while she watched him, she looked concerned.

He'd given her a couple days. She was obviously sorting through something. He didn't want to push. But now a couple of days had passed, her sorting didn't seem to be getting her anywhere, and she wasn't talking to him about it.

Jane clenched his jaw.

He wanted her to talk to him about things. He wanted her to trust him, to... He missed the easiness between them, the brilliant smiles, the happiness that sometimes felt like it was radiating off of her, that he still couldn't quite believe he was sometimes partially responsible for.

Whereas now he had two days of Lisbon trying to pretend nothing was bothering her.

He wasn't entirely sure who she was trying to convince.

Which was why he was currently sitting on her couch, listening to her grumble about the fact that her favourite coffee shop had changed its opening hours to something far less convenient for someone with an FBI agent's schedule, and biding his time.

"Want to talk about it?" he finally interrupted.

"About Coffee Haven's new hours?" Lisbon asked, confused. "Thought that's what I was doing?"

Jane shook his head. "Not that."

She stood in front of him, hands on hips, head quirked to the side. "Then what?"

He pulled her onto the couch next to him, running a hand absently along the small of her back, pleased when she angled herself slightly closer to him in response. "Whatever it is you've been puzzling over lately," he clarified, letting his fingers glide down her arm so that he could take her hand.

Lisbon bit her lip and unconsciously slipped her hand from his, running it through her hair. "Maybe I'm not done puzzling about it." She knew it was something of an avoidance tactic, but it was also the truth. She _wasn't_ done puzzling about it.

Jane frowned. "Maybe the puzzling would go faster if you had a sounding board."

"Says the man who spends hours a day half asleep on his couch, analyzing anything and everything in that brain of his." Lisbon nudged him in the shoulder to let him know she was (mostly) joking, and tried to relax.

Jane's answering smile didn't reach his eyes, and Lisbon knew that today levity was only going to get her so far. Even if she wanted to, digging her heels in or burying her head in the sand might do more harm than good, might create a subtle rift that neither of them wanted.

"Some solitary puzzling is sometimes necessary," Jane agreed. "But lately I've found myself growing accustomed to the luxury of a co-conspirator. At her express encouragement, I might add."

Lisbon smiled, ducking her head for a moment. She liked the sound of "co-conspirator." Squaring her shoulders, she met his eyes, settling herself into the opposite corner of the couch. "I just, I don't..."

Jane tried to be patient as she waved her hand through the air in front of her, searching for the words.

"I know I have to think about some things," Lisbon said after a moment. "I know I need to be open to change. But what if I give things a lot of thought and realize that I don't _want_ a major change? What if I decide that I don't want to leave the FBI? _Ever._" She braced herself for his reaction (at least she tried to).

For a second, Jane just stared. _"What?"_ He'd assumed her puzzling had been related to his tentative suggestion that they consider running away together, but he'd never really expected...

Now Lisbon was almost babbling. "Forget boat travel and bee-keeping. Those were obviously ridiculous. But what if I decide that the FBI is what I really want? I meant it when I said it was who I am."

Jane blinked at her for a moment, his brain still trying to catch up.

"Jane?"

She bit her lip, and the worry she was obviously trying her damnedest to conceal kick-started Jane's brain again with a snap-decision. "You're right," he said firmly. "We should talk about this, about what we both really want for the future. Maybe we should both write a list."

Whatever Lisbon had been expecting, that wasn't it. She'd expected him to tease, maybe to try and laugh her out of her mood. She'd expected light, not... lists. "What?"

"No, Teresa, it's a good idea," Jane assured her. "You'll see. You _like_ lists."

For some reason, that irritated her. After all, he was the one who constantly scorned any sort of paperwork or overt organizational system. And she didn't write_ that many _lists. Groceries sometimes, obviously, and the odd other thing, but... "I do not _like_ lists."

Jane smiled at her. If she'd been standing, he knew she'd have her hands on her hips. As it was, her crossed arms clearly conveyed her opinion of his suggestion. "Plans then, order. You like order."

His nonchalance really riled Lisbon up. "Hey! I'll have you know I can be plenty spontaneous."

Jane's grin widened, he couldn't help it. Sometimes it felt like an automatic response around her now. "Oh, _I know_," he assured her. "Still, list." He grabbed a pad of paper from the coffee table and tore the top few sheets off, handing them to her. "Why don't I start?" he suggested, uncapping a pen. "Just some of the obvious things, you understand. Precise detail will have to come later."

Lisbon didn't answer.

"You're not writing anything," Jane chided gently, his own hand a flurry of motion on the page.

Lisbon glanced down at her own blank sheet of paper, before looking back up at the man next to her, who had apparently finished his list and was now examining her. He looked so oddly calm, detached almost. She had no idea what was going on. "Um..."

"You can read mine first," Jane said, tearing the top piece of paper from his pad with a flourish and handing it to her. "If you need more time, you can always give me yours later." He didn't really expect her to write one, but that wasn't the point.

Lisbon took the piece of paper from him slowly, not really sure what to expect.

She glanced at it, and gasped.

Jane's list was certainly to the point.

_Things I want in life:_

_You._

_Something interesting to turn my mind to._

_Adventures (ideally with you, but negotiable as long as item #1 on this list is filled in some other way)._

_Ready access to a good cup of tea and a comfortable couch/bed._

The idiot had even signed the thing at the bottom of the page. _Patrick Jane. _Lisbon could feel her hands shaking slightly as she lifted her eyes to meet his. He didn't look even remotely detached anymore.

Somehow his voice was still calm. "Like I said, it's a preliminary list, Teresa, but there's one thing on it that's absolutely non-negotiable."

"The tea?" she asked weakly. His eyes on her felt almost magnetic; she shifted, letting herself fall into him.

Jane smiled against her hair as he wrapped an arm around her. "Two things then."

Lisbon breathed out slowly, tucking her head into his shoulder and trying to force herself to calm down. "Okay."

"Is it?" Jane asked softly, hoping she couldn't feel his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. This was the scary part, the part he'd been wanting to tell her for weeks, but had been too scared to say out loud. "Because number one's the deal-breaker. I see no reason why I can't have the entire list one way or another, but if I can't, then I know which I'd choose."

Lisbon gulped. Everything felt like it was shaking now. She slid her hands against his chest, trying to steady them. "Patrick."

He wrapped his arms tighter. "Have you been worrying about this for weeks?

Lisbon shook her head against his shoulder. "No."

Jane wasn't sure he believed her. _"Teresa." _

"I _haven't!_" She snapped her head up off his shoulder to glare at him (her sudden indignance reassuring him)

Lisbon tried to explain. "Sometimes I just get to wondering, I don't know... what if?" And if the FBI was going to be a deal-breaker, it would be better to know sooner rather than later.

Jane could understand that. His own 'what ifs' tended to involve things like a stray bullet finding her in spite of all her training and precautions. But that was a discussion for another day. "I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to, that we..." He sighed. "I just wanted you to think about possibilities. Just a little. Possibilities for the future. Not for tomorrow. Not for next month or even next year. I'm committed to the FBI for a few years yet, remember."

"Oh, I remember," Lisbon assured him.

"I just wanted you to think about it," Jane repeated. "But if you think about it and you decide that you need the FBI to be happy, then that's that, isn't it? We'll have to stay in Austin, or at least near a field office."

Lisbon squeezed her eyes tight, trying to ignore the sudden pain in her chest. It was probably related to the reason breathing suddenly felt difficult. "Patrick."

"I just want you to be _happy_," Jane told her, trying to draw her even closer, though she was practically in his lap at this point.

Lisbon smiled, though it was shaky. "I want you to be happy too." That was part of the problem. If their current life, their (her) work _didn't_ make him happy...

"I know," Jane assured her. "And I am happy. Anyway, it's not like it's one or the other, is it? If I'm not mistaken, the FBI has offices all over the U.S. We could explore the U.S. in the airstream, have all sorts of adventures across the country, moving every couple of years as you rise in the bureaucratic ranks. Exploration and adventure, no boat necessary. Not unless you transfer to Hawaii."

Lisbon chuckled, trying to surreptitiously wipe the moisture from her eyes.

Jane raised a thumb to help her. Her eyes were shining with excitement now, so he continued, settling his other hand on the small of her back. "Or we could take a sabbatical for a year and try something else, or even just go an extended vacation. Or you could work for the FBI and I could do something else in Austin, or we could do exactly what we're doing now, and have other adventures together on the weekends. And if those adventures involve you pretending to be psychic from time to time, well..." he trailed off, temporarily lost in that particular fantasy, before his brain snapped back on track. "It was never meant to be an ultimatum, Teresa. I just wanted to open the door."

Lisbon worried her lip between her teeth. When he explained it like that, it sounded, well, pretty much perfect. Her earlier fears almost felt... foolish. Almost. "I guess the last time something like this happened to me, it felt like an ultimatum. And like something I should want, and..."

Jane cut her off with a quick kiss. "What happened to doing what feels right?"

She grinned, and gave him a quick peck. "Easier in theory than in practice?" she suggested, running her hands through his hair. She wasn't entirely sure exactly when she'd ended up in his lap, but she certainly wasn't complaining.

Jane let his eyes drift shut as he dropped his head against the back of her couch. "I think you just need more practice."

"Hmm.".

Jane could feel himself relaxing with every stroke of her fingers. "Anyway, we've got a few years before anything could realistically change, even if we were sure we wanted it to."

Lisbon's fingers stilled.

Jane opened his eyes to find hers staring back at him.

"What if one of the things I'm sure I want is more than a few years of you?" she whispered. She didn't want to be in this for the length of a contract with the FBI; she wanted...

He kissed her.

She smiled, suddenly absolutely, ridiculously, happy.

Jane smiled back, and began peppering kisses all over her face. He still felt like her obvious degree of worry had been completely out of proportion. Because unless she'd actually thought that... His blood ran cold. He pulled back in alarm, his hands tightening around her forearms. "I'm not leaving you again," he blurted out.

Lisbon froze instantly and Jane knew he'd hit the bull's eye.

He kissed her again before she could speak. He certainly didn't have the right words anyway. So he kissed her until he didn't have any breath. Only then did the words start to come.

"Left you for two years, and wanted to see you every day," he gasped against her lips. "Took me long enough to realize it and admit to myself what that meant, but..." He kissed her again. "I missed you every day. _Every day._ I'm not leaving you again, Teresa. Once was more than enough. I may make stupid mistakes sometimes, but I'm not that stupid. I'm not going anywhere. You can send me away if you decide you want to, but..."

It suddenly became absolutely imperative for Lisbon that she interrupt. "I_ don't_ want to," she insisted, not surprised to realize she was practically panting.

"Good," Jane muttered, shifting her slightly in his lap, and trying to maintain some semblance of control over his body's reactions to her, if only because they should probably try and finish this conversation first.

But Lisbon wasn't sure he got it, not quite. She shifted away to get his attention. "I mean, I _really_ don't want to."

"Okay," Jane agreed, exercising every remaining ounce of control not to pull her back.

The raw emotion in his eyes propelled her further. "I've just been so happy this last little while..." She was so happy, and things felt so right, and she was still trying to get used to that.

Jane managed not to drag her back into his lap, but his hands couldn't seem to keep still. She was flushed, her hair mussed, her body warm, and everything about her overwhelmingly alluring. He needed to touch her (needed to make up for all the times he didn't touch her at work). "Stop worrying."

"You worry." Lisbon knew he worried about her job, about her safety, about _them._ She slid her hands to his shoulders to steady herself.

"I'm trying not to," he told her truthfully. Worrying got him nowhere, and wouldn't solve their problems. He couldn't quite stop looking for disaster, but...

Lisbon rested her forehead against his. "Hm."

"I guess this is what comes of being frightened of happiness," Jane murmured.

She looked up. When she met his eyes the flash understanding was instantaneous. She gasped, before dropping her head to his shoulder. How could she have thought he wouldn't understand? How could she not have realized... Being with someone who knew her this well, who wanted so many of the same... Her hands tightened in his shirt. "I don't want to lose it."

"I don't either," Jane assured her quietly.

He felt her answering smile. "I know."

"I'm just trying to figure out ways to maximize my happiness, which is pretty much dependent on your happiness and safety," Jane explained. "Something that is made challenging by your personality and profession. Which, even if I could change them, are probably half the reason you make me happy in the first place. But that doesn't mean the situation's without solution."

Lisbon raised her head and tried to look stern. "Stop trying to be charming."

Jane made a better job of looking stern, but his eyes were still twinkling. "Just facts. Can't help it if you find them charming."

"Incorrigible," she shot back, relaxing into the familiar banter.

Jane's smile softened. He kissed the tip of her nose. "In love."

Lisbon felt herself melting from the inside out. She didn't even care that he knew it, because goddamn it, she_ was_ happy. "Now you're being charming."

"Maybe." Jane shrugged. "I have found that when I deliberately don't tell you about the things I'm worried about because I'm afraid those things will come between us, it generally backfires on me, because the things are still there anyway, and on top of it, you're irritated."

Lisbon stroked her thumb a long his cheek. "Yeah."

"So?"

She huffed in mild irritation. "So, I was still sorting."

"Of course you were," Jane murmured.

Lisbon decided he needn't act like he was the world's best communicator when it came to relationships. "And the last time I did bring it up, you suggested I become a bee-keeper!"

"That was an _example,"_ Jane reminded her. And the glib suggestion had been easier than asking directly if she was interested in a lifetime of something, anything. Particularly as any major life change would have to be years in the future. "And a lot of great detectives keep bees."

"Sherlock Holmes is fictional, Jane"

Jane laughed. "Fine, no bee-keeping."

"And no boats," she added.

"If you insist.," he agreed absently, his attention caught by her smirk.

"They don't feel right," Lisbon concluded.

Jane drew her further onto his lap, surrendering to his own happiness. "Well, we wouldn't want that, dear."

She grinned. "Guess we'll have to keep figuring it out as we go along."

"Guess so," Jane agreed.

Lisbon leaned in to kiss him again."Jane?"

"Mmhm?"

"I'm happy," she whispered. "I really am."

And she was determined to keep it that way.

For both of them.

xxx

The end


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